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Published : March 13, 2009 |
Author : sapphire921
Category : U. Infertility Issues | Total Views
: 266 | Rating :  
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 sapphire921
A stay at home mom to 3 kids and happily married for 7 1/2 years!
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The word infertility brings up an emotional rollercoaster for anyone that has ever experienced it to any degree. Every month starts fresh full of possibility, hope, and excitement. When nearing the time for your period to be due, you find yourself analyzing every twinge, pang, pinch or pull that might signal that life is being formed from within. You glance at the baby names you have written in conjunction with your last name. You don't need the baby name books as you have already picked these names out in the many previous months. You search the web for early pregnancy symptoms and decide you have them all. You have learned which home pregnancy tests are the most sensitive and where you can get the best deals. You also learn which locations have them on the shelf rather than locked behind glass so that you don't have to risk running into the SAME employee time and time again. You take tests and hold them up to various lights to see if you could possibly imagine a second line into existence and sometimes you can! When you can't, you convince yourself that it is still too early but there is hope! Eventually, all hope comes crashing in front of you with one bathroom visit when you realize your period has arrived yet again. After the brief moment of denial and hope that it is merely spotting has passed, you feel beat, broken, hurt, angry and frustrated. You know that it will be a couple more weeks (or longer if you have late ovulations) before you can even try again. Months feel like years and you feel time slipping beneath your fingers like sand in an hourglass. If only you could take the egg and sperm and push them together with your hands. If only your uterus was glass so you could see fertilization happening, or not so you didn't build yourself up for disappointment time after time. If only you had an ounce of control in this process. You know you would love a child. You know that you would take care of one. You ask why so many people have unplanned, unwanted pregnancies and then take these little lives for granted. You know that God is omniscient. Does He knows that you would fail miserably as a mother and that is why you aren't given a child? You are bombarded with comments from well meaning friends, family and strangers that ask you when you are going to start a family or have another baby. They tell you that the age gap between your children is getting larger and your kids won't be close or able to enjoy each other. It seems as though everyone you know is pregnant and you find yourself being invited to baby showers every weekend. You force yourself to avoid maternity and baby departments in stores. You bite your tongue when others complain about pregnancy aches and pains. You make your tongue bleed when others complain about how little their baby sleeps or how frustrated they are with motherhood. You try not to snap when you hear stories of children being abused, neglected, and murdered. You put on a good face and tell anyone that asks "in God's timing" and hope that you have at least a mustard seed sized amount of faith somewhere inside of you to make yourself believe that. These are just a few of the day to day feelings that a person with infertility will face.
After having a baby in 2003, I suffered from secondary infertility. I went through some basic fertility treatments and was scheduled to have an IUI (intrauterine insemination) This increases the risk of multiples and I am small and have a hard enough time keeping one baby in full term. I never could get peace about going further with the fertility treatments. I had to let it go. As a control freak, this was very difficult. I had to focus on things that I can control.
Through the ups and downs of infertility as well as my first pregnancy, I had accumulated quite a bit of unwanted weight. I decided to focus on me. I focused on making a lifestlye change, not a diet, and sticking with it. I focused on enjoying my family and not wasting a moment more of my daughters life hoping and praying for a child that might not ever be. I focused on finding the things that I enjoyed including some "dare devil" type activities such as bungee jumping and rafting. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I wouldn't be able to do a lot of these things if I were pregnant. Of course, I still would have taken a baby over anything but sometimes focusing on the things that you are able to do, rather than what you are unable to do is very helpful. Most of all, I prayed for contentment. I counted blessings every single day whether I felt grateful or not and prayed that I would be content because I had so many blessings that many others do not.
After taking a couple years off, and spending one year losing 52lbs, I approached my husband with trying again. During the time that we had off, we did not try to conceive. I avoided intercourse during my fertile times because I simply knew that I could no longer handle the emotional rollercoaster if there was even a "chance" of conception. My husband was very hesitant because he very vividly remembered the toll it took on both of us each month. He was proud that I had been able to focus on other things and even seemed to have a handle on being content (most of the time anyway). Neither of us knew if we were up to going through all the setbacks and disappointments again. After all, we weren't able to get pregnant for so long, why would we be able to now? Because God is in control, not me.
We tried in January of 2008 and I was pregnant that first month! I didn't take one second of that pregnancy for granted. I naturally am a planner. I like to be in control. I tend to worry about little details. Through infertility, I learned that so many of the little things that people choose to focus on are unimportant. I no longer sweat the small stuff. I let go the things that don't matter and I pray about the ones that do. Every second of our children's life is a miracle and a gift. I don't mind smelling like spit up. I don't mind sleepless nights. I don't want to miss one dirty diaper or miss one opportunity to blow on my baby's belly. I don't want to ever be in such a rush that I miss some aspect of my children growing up. Would I feel this way if I hadn't suffered from infertility? Maybe, but I doubt to that degree.
Many people mistakenly think that "they" make babies, that they control it. If you suffer from infertility, you are all too aware that you have no control of it whatsoever. You are merely an apartment space for them to grow in for a little while. I wouldn't have chosen a 5 year gap between my kids. I wouldn't have chosen to suffer infertility. I'm an "instant gratification" kinda girl and I don't like to wait.... but I have seen a glimpse of the master plan. I have now lost 70 lbs, enjoy every moment I'm given, and have a 14 lb butterball with drool pouring out of his smiling mouth as his sister is singing to the top of her lungs wearing last years swimsuit and a tiara. I am truly blessed. |
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 Comments and Discussion Wall |
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 Posted by rhonda on March 21, 2009 |
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you described exactly what i'm going through right now. you so eloquently put into words the emotions i battle with every day. thank you!
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| Posted by Fulltime Mama on March 13, 2009 |
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Thank you for adding that. Good stuff here. :)
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| Posted by sapphire921 on March 13, 2009 |
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I focused on the things that I could control. At first, most of that energy went to losing weight and changing my eating habits. That is a huge feat in itself, especially when you are overweight. even moreso, when you are an emotional eater! Really making the effort to count my blessings (sometimes outloud, sometimes just mentally) whenever I feel sad or depressed. Also, I didn't give myself too much idle time. I took advantage of anything and everything that sounded fun. We stayed on the boat in the summer, tubing, trying different water sports. I went bungee jumping and we went on several weekend trips. I looked up any "free" thing such as story time or anything that sounded like fun and my daughter and I just went and enjoyed it. We played outside a lot and mainly just got myself out of the rut of ONLY thinking about getting pregnant. It consumed me and made me miserable in the process. There is something freeing about being a control freak and letting go and giving it to God. its VERY hard to do but, it was a relief in some ways to know I didn't have to research or dwell on getting pregnant anymore. I was happy. I had a husband and so many things to be happy about...it was all about what you choose to focus on.
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| Posted by Fulltime Mama on March 13, 2009 |
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Thank you so much for sharing this! Would you care to share about what kind of lifestyle changes you made during that waiting time? Do you think that made a difference? (GOD being in ultimate control, of course)
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