mamawannabe I am married to a visionary. We have not been blessed with children yet but that is the desire of my heart. I have one grown step-son who lives in another state. I am a Christian and was raised and home-schooled in a Christian family with 7 siblings. I am interested in healthy living and love to learn and share. View all articles | Contact author

Saturday, August 8th, 2009, I wake up to realize i'm not pregnant. once again. and again. And again and again andagainandagain... and I think, "Why? Why not me, God?"

I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. It's all I've ever wanted to be. I thought the two went together: get married=have children. My highest goal in life was/is to be a mother and raise kids to love and serve the Lord. Since I was a teenager I have wanted to have 5 kids.
Coming from a large family (one of 8 kids), that sounded just right for me.
The Bible says children are a blessing and God even commands us to be fruitful. Ok, God. I would love to have a "quiver full".
So...why? why not me? I don't understand.

Dodd and I have been married almost 6 years. We have been trying to have a baby for almost 4. Really trying for 2.  And this past year I have done everything I could think of to get pregnant. I am 35, and he will be 42 next month.  We have both had tests done and "they" say we are normal. They don't know why we can't get pregnant.

I have spent countless hours researching pregnancy and childbirth. I have read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which is an excellent resource and I have learned a lot about my body. Enough to know that i'm messed up, but not enough yet to figure out what to do about it or how to get pregnant...

I try to eat healthy for the most part. I drink water. I don't use the microwave. I drink red rasberry leaf tea
every day. I have swallowed enough prenatal pills to choke several horses. I drink vinegar mixed with honey in water.  I make my own toothpaste, shampoo, and clothes detergent. I avoid soy. I drink barley greens. I add cinnamon and cayenne to my smoothies. I eat fresh organic eggs. I sleep in total darkness. What does this have to do with having a baby?  Apparently nothing. None of it matters. Where has it gotten me? Nowhere. Healthy and barren.  All those people out there smokin', drinkin', sleepin' around - they get pregnant and don't even want a baby. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!  Makes me want to rant and rave and cuss and drink a dr.pepper.

All of my siblings have children. Since I have been trying to have a baby, there have been 5 (a nephew and 4 nieces) added to the family. With each announcement of "we are having a baby!" my tears of joy and happiness for them are mingled with tears of despair that it is not me. My youngest brother and his wife decided in their first year of marriage that they were ready to have a baby, and two months later they were making the big announcement. We live in the same house and I get to see their precious 8 month old every day...when i walk in the door from work, her big grin of recognition melts my broken heart...

Hope is such a fragile, delicate thing. It is shattered in the blink of an eye...yet it creeps back and stands strong again and shakes it's fist in the face of reality...for one more month...before fleeing again... I can't live without it,
yet it leaves me when i need it most.

I know God loves me. I know He has a plan for me. I know He is not punishing me. I know He has not rejected me.  But every month, every 3 1/2 weeks, I forget all that for just a little while...
I've considered that children are not part of God's plan for me at all. That I may need to accept the fact that
I may never have children. My heart can't take it. My head cannot wrap itself around the thought. It's my heart's desire. And my heart is breaking. Every month.

So here I am. Always an aunt. Never a mama.
For now...